The Untold Story of Domestic Violence

By Teresa Cox

Some say ignorance is bliss. It’s not true, especially when it concerns domestic violence. In that case, ignorance can be a death sentence.

Ignoring the warning signs of domestic violence only leads to more violence, and it evolves so gradually that sometimes that it’s almost impossible to recognize it when it starts.

As a county prosecutor against domestic violence, I’ve heard too often such statements as, “He’s never hit me in front of the kids,” or, “The (kids) were asleep when it happened,” or, “(My children) are so young, they won’t remember.” 

I can tell you that kids do remember, they do know, and they do hear. In fact, studies show that children raised with domestic violence make up 85 percent of the current population of batterers.

And consider this:

Eighty percent of young runaways choose to escape  the violence and live on the street instead. And studies also show that these children are four times more likely to be arrested later in life and six times more likely to commit suicide! Even more tragic are the 239 children whose mothers were killed by their abusers in Washington State between 1997 and 2006. 

For someone who is trained to recognize even the subtlest of signs, it’s obvious how quickly a relationship can turn deadly. But most people only see what they want to see until it’s too late. So, what starts out as sweep-you-off-your-feet kind of love can easily cross the line into obsessive, jealous, controlling behavior even while the victim still thinks it’s flattering. Only when that line is crossed, and he or she becomes terrified of what comes next, do they realize the danger they’re in. It’s at that stage that leaving actually becomes as dangerous as staying. At that point, the gravity of the situation is easier to realize and serious safety planning becomes necessary.

The purpose of this essay is to draw attention to the damage that occurs to the silent victims caught in the middle, and who have no ability to recognize the danger they’re in, and no power to do anything about it. It is for those victims, if not for ourselves that we need to be able to recognize those subtle warning signs domestic violence, and step up before it’s too late.

Thousands of children in this country alone experience domestic violence every day at home, but their story is never told.

Until tragedy strikes we don’t read about the child who falls asleep at night clinging tight to his pillow trying to drown out the sound of his mother being hit, the anger in his father’s voice or things thrown violently across the room.

We don’t read about the child who asks a teacher for after-school projects because school feels safer than home, or the child who bursts into tears when he spills a glass of milk because he fears the explosion of anger that is sure to follow. 

The idea that it’s not domestic violence until it becomes physical is so painfully obviously erroneous to those who have dealt with the aftermath. Verbal abuse is often times so much more damaging to a young child than the physical abuse that follows. A child who hears his mother being demeaned and humiliated has learned so much more from that experience than from watching her be struck by a fist. 

This is the reality of living in a violent household that doesn’t make the headlines unless it is the backstory to a fatality. It is the reality faced by children who grow up powerless in a world that frightens them. It is the reality that remains a secret until something worse happens and the secret is let out.

I prosecute misdemeanor crimes of domestic violence because I hope to influence the future of children and perhaps prevent a tragedy that would make the news. It is why I refuse to accept ignorance as an excuse and choose instead to shine a light on the damage it creates. 

It is also why I dedicate this to the moms, dads, friends, and other family members, who suspect someone they love is being abused mentally and/or physically. Act now – for your sake, for the sake of the children, for the sake of your family, and for the sake of yourself.

Yes, an abuser may choose to get help, but it remains his or her choice. Your choice should be safety, and it is the only one you have control over. The lives of others will depend on the choice you make, so please don’t wait. Despite what you may think, it will not get better on its own, it will happen again, and it does permanently scar children. 

Statistics support the conclusion that everyone knows someone who has been affected by domestic violence. 

Even a victim isolated from friends and family will occasionally have contact with a hairdresser, a grocery store clerk, a doctor and/or nurse, a co-worker if she works outside the home, a child’s school teacher or a neighbor even if for only brief moments at a time.

If each one of those people knew enough about domestic violence to recognize the signs, they could seize an opportunity to offer choices that could end the violence.  When domestic violence hurts someone you know (and it does), it affects us all.  The catastrophic effect it has on our children – on our future adults – is one that cannot be ignored.